Open heart surgery


I made videos for my Unravellers today, and when i briefly mentioned my nephew I could feel myself getting emotional; at the moment I just have to look at a photograph of him and my eyes mist over. Talking to my sister the other day she confirmed that ever since my bereavement I’ve seemed able to cry more easily than I ever did before. And she’s right. I don’t remember being particularly UNemotional before he died, but the more i consider this the more I can see the truth of how I am now – grief took off my skin, and what has grown back seems more permeable and tender. I’ll admit to pushing a lot down too – the uncomfortable stuff, like the secret yearning to be held in the middle of the night, or feeling wistful when yet another friend gets engaged. These feelings get pushed down because it’s so much easier that way; to be living constantly on the edge of our emotions is exhausting. Truly feeling our emotions heals them, absolutely, but it also requires much sitting-on-the-sofa-with-chocolate, and I seem to have less time to do that these days. And then Noah enters the room, two months ago today. I saw his little face come out, and the slippery smallness of his body carried up and over into my sister’s arms. And I didn’t know it at the time, but my heart opened right then in preparation for what was to come; if I’d listened closely I would have heard the rip as the bandages came off. And now I watch an old episode of House and I’m in floods of tears at the end; my empathy levels are suddenly off the charts.

In last Thursday’s post Grete asked me a question in the comments: ‘When did you feel spiritually, mentally and emotionally mature enough to teach? This is a personal question, as I’m about to do just that… The best advice I’ve come across so far is Neale Donald Walsch saying – A spiritual leader does not say “Follow me”. A spiritual leader says, “I’ll go first”. ‘

I wanted to answer this here as my immediate thought was: I don’t think i will ever feel spiritually, mentally or emotionally mature enough to teach. All i can do is share what has worked for me. What I’ve seen. What I’ve felt. I’ve discovered I’m good at bringing people together – making tribes – so i’ll keep doing that and just share what i know.

I’m not a teacher, I’m a reporter. I report back to the troops. I’m a compulsive bean-spiller, too. But for some reason the word teach scares the crap out of me.

I was hit with the Fear Stick today, the bone-chilling panic that I am not qualified to write the book I’ve been asked to write. A wise and helpful book. I can’t do that, it feels too big and responsible. So i’ve scooped up all my expectations and locked them in a drawer; instead I’m going to just share what I know. It’s all I’ve got, really. I will tell you my story in words and pictures and if some of it shines a ray of light so you can see your way better then that will be enough for me. I’m not an expert in anything other than how i glued myself back together after a grenade went off in my life.

And how much I love my nephew.

A very special announcement

Here’s some proof that if you put a dream into words – and put it out there – the planets will align to help make it happen.  Last year I shared on my blog that I wanted to write an Unravelling book; a few weeks later I received a quick email from Nikki Hardin, founder & publisher of skirt! magazine, saying if i ever put a proposal together she’d love to read it. Between that very first contact and the beginning of this week there’s been a proposal, a sample chapter, many phones calls, the finding of my agent*, Laura Nolan at DiFiore & Company, and my editor**, Mary Norris at Globe Pequot Press, and now the virtual handshake that says YES! This book is happening!

I’m thrilled to announce that in spring 2012 you’ll be able to walk into a bookstore and buy a book written (and photographed) by me; it will be a book you can keep in your bag, a companion for your journey. It will be filled with everything I know about healing, creativity, truth-telling and some magic too; in my head it looks like an elegant journal with Polaroids slipped between the pages. My e-courses were the starting point for the book, and the idea has grown and blossomed into something truly delicious. I’ve been dying to tell you what’s been happening behind the scenes, and I hope to chronicle a little bit of the process here on the blog.

So while Laura, Mary and I tend to this book like literary midwives, I wanted to ask you something: If you’ve been reading this blog for a while you’ll know the ups and downs of the last five years – are there parts of the journey you’d like to know more about? I’m going to be spilling every useful bean I have in my bag, and it would be great to have an idea of what you are curious about. As I craft the rest of the story between now and my manuscript deadline (first week of March!), I’ll be weaving in as much honesty, inspiration and juice as I can… when you open the pages what would you hope to find? What would support and inspire you the most?

I promise to make it the best it can be… this a gift from me to YOU.

So that’s my big news! Apparently you wait your whole life for a publishing opportunity and then two come along at once. It’s a crazy amazing world.

* My agent! A big thank you to Marianne for introducing us
** My editor! I love saying that

How to fall in love with you: step four

As I lay in bed last night, mind racing, I knew why I’ve been finding it so hard to write this post: this is a step that is still in progress. I haven’t got this one completely figured out yet, but I need to talk about it. Because it might help you, and it will definitely help me…

I’ve put on a lot of weight.

The triple-whammy of giving up smoking, creating an online biz from home and my fast-approaching 40s has left me with a body I do not recognise. My daily commute requires me to simply walk into the next room; I’ve been working really hard – and loving it – but things like exercise have gone out the window. And I’ve never enjoyed exercise (despite those few months in 2008 when I flirted with my inner Jane Fonda) so it wasn’t a hardship to forget to join a gym or go for daily walks. That period of exercise charged me up for the move to Bath, but since I’ve been here my life has become more and more sedentary as I’ve become more and more busy. It’s a trade-off I thought I was okay making, until yesterday morning when I tried to put on the jeans I wore the day I moved to Bath… and I couldn’t get them on. My baggy loose-fitting need-to-wear-a-belt jeans are now too small. I’ve been steadily buying bigger-sized clothing, but these jeans brought it home to me.

I know all this extra me is down to lack of movement and an excess of food; I don’t eat unheathily, but I do recognise that I eat to comfort and quell the lonelies when they surface. I eat when I’m premenstrous. I eat because – to put it bluntly – I do not have a sex life and I miss it. I’ve also realised that I’ve replaced cigarettes with snacks – didn’t even know I did that until I really looked at how I spend my day at my desk; truly my appetite has gone through the roof.

I could share more about my relationship with food and movement, but it’s my relationship with my body – in its current state – that is the problem. I am ashamed of it. I don’t like looking like I am 6-months pregnant. I don’t like that I tire quickly when I go into town, or that the majority of my wardrobe is now tight and restricting. I don’t feel comfortable like this and feel trapped in a cycle of unhealthy habits as I race from one deadline to the next.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I don’t want to be model-thin. I don’t expect my body to look like it did when I was 23. But I would like it to be a little leaner and healthier, and for it to work more efficiently. For this to happen I know I need to implement some major changes in my lifestyle; it’s not a case of blindly loving my curves – I DO love my curves! I’d just rather they weren’t obscured by the wobbly fat I’ve accumulated over 19 months of working hard and eating hard.

And last night, as I lay in bed mulling all this over for the millionth time, I knew what I needed – before the gym membership, and the daily swims, and the time off to recharge and move my body (all planned for my ‘new’ London life) – I need to forgive myself.

Forgiveness. What a lovely concept that is. It’s a word that makes me think of flowing white robes and beatific smiles and benevolence. It’s something i’ve had to cultivate in my life, trying to feel it in my heart and my head as a way to move through past hurts and let go of difficult feelings. But there is one person I always find it so difficult to forgive: ME. I don’t know where this expectation that I have to be perfect came from, but it’s woven through my being like mould through cheese. And some heart-felt forgiveness of my flaws, of my very human fears and f*ck-ups, will help me move forward with a kinder perspective; beating myself up constantly achieves nothing – I know, I’ve tried.

I sense that this is an opportunity to practice gentleness once again, another chance to show myself love. Because at the moment I am showing myself contempt and disappointment, and that really isn’t helping. It’s time to look honestly at the reasons for my changing size and know that, when I am ready, I can make different choices. I can work towards making changes; I can take each day as it comes, and if it’s a day that needs a little extra sugar sprinkled on it then so be it. And I am moving towards these changes: the London relocation will be here soon and that will help me create new routines; the weather is improving which means I feel called to go out more. Being a workaholic has been fantastic for getting fledgling dreams off the ground, but looking after my body will help me maintain the energy I’m devoting to my work life.

Because there is so much more I want to do.

How to fall in love with you: step one :: step two :: step three

What would you like to know?

Blondes_final Have you met Marisa? She is the super-talented artist behind Creative Thursday and the Life in the Fishbowl ecourse, and is undoubtedly one of the most genuine people i have ever met. After a few Skype dates we finally met in person at Squam last September, and as time has gone on we’ve discovered we were born 24 hours apart in February 1973 – how nuts is that?

What we also share is a crazy passion for our online classes and a commitment to making them the best they can possibly be. Marisa and I both get a lot of email queries from peeps asking our advice about e-courses, so we’ve decided to work together and create something we hope will be really useful: a downloadable podcast on how to create and run an online class with integrity & passion. There will also be a full transcript of the podcast to print out and keep and the whole thing will be available for purchase later this year.

Marisa and her partner Sean are about to spend a month in Paris, but before they get there she’ll be swinging by my place to get to work on our project – and this is why i’m typing these words: if you’ve been thinking about creating your own course, what would you like us to cover in the podcast? What would be most useful to you? What do you want to know about running an online course?

We’ll be putting everything we know into this package and we want to make sure we’re addressing the questions you’d like answered, so please send ’em over! Drop me a line, including the subject header ‘aquarian questions’ :)

Thanks so much!