Glorious imperfection

Glorious imperfection | SusannahConway.com

I am unashamedly gloriously imperfect.

I don’t like yoga (though i’m trying)
I don’t exercise… at all.
I eat when i’m feeling lonely, and have replaced cigarettes with food.
I get jealous.
I can be gossipy and judgmental.
I beat myself up, often.
I have days when all i want to do is lie down on the sofa.
I forget to brush my teeth sometimes.
I have cellulite… everywhere.
I hate shaving my legs.
I’d rather eat fish ‘n’ chips than drink a wheatgrass shot.
I can work all day in my dressing gown and think nothing of it.
I don’t always love myself.
I swear a LOT.
I’m doing the best I can.
I make people laugh.
I tell it like it is.
I don’t know how to bullshit people.
I have big dreams.
I love kissing.
I walked through fire and survived.
I’m learning how to forgive myself.
I like scary films.
I bring people together.
I have double-jointed shoulders.
I see what others might miss.
I like giving presents.
I am an auntie.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister.
I am a friend.
In other words, i’m too busy being a vibrant, contrary, fleshy, determined, silly, passionate, unique human being to be perfect.
And that is okay with me.

Written to join the fight against perfection, as started by the lovely Brene Brown in honour of her new book, The Gifts of Imperfection.

The rookie teacher

The jet lag is kicking my behind today, manifesting as a plod through soup as i go about my day, s l o w l y. It’s amazing how you can pack so much into a fortnight’s holiday, yet sitting at my desk today it’s as if i’ve never been away. So i sink into my photos, and remember the places i have been, starting with my four days beside Squam Lake.

It was my first time leading a full day’s workshop – Unravelling started as an evening class, so i’d only taught in two-hour chunks before – and I was feeling a bit nervous, as you’d expect. But as i spent time putting the class together i felt more and more passionate about my topic – photographic composition, something i discovered I could talk about for hours.

With a slideshow and talk in the morning and a photo safari around the lake after lunch, I tried to share as much as I could in the time we had.  Each group had a different energy, meaning i learned twice as much in my two days of teaching; it probably wasn’t the most polished workshop at SAW, but i hope i made up for that with enthusiasm, humour and the occasional f-bomb, just to keep it real ;) By the end of the second day there were tears from me as i looked through my students’ photos – i was so blown away by their images and how their eyes had developed over an afternoon of shooting; it was a truly humbling experience.

This session of Squam Art Workshops was very different from last year, as I experienced it from the other side of the fence, as a teacher. I found that each night I wanted nothing more than a roaring fire and a quiet night in my cabin, as the day’s activities left me high but drained (it didn’t help that YET AGAIN i had a cold. And YET AGAIN i lost my voice – by day two i was practically barking at people, just to get the words out. At points I was whispering. I kid you not.) This year I knew I was there to give and nurture, rather than learn and take; this year I also had the honour of meeting so many Unravellers, and getting feedback from them, in person, in the sunshine as we walked around a beautiful lake was simply magical. I am so grateful to be doing this work. I had a moment of true peace on the last night, knowing that despite the cold in my bones, and the cold running out of my nose (lovely), this is the way forward for me. Sharing, teaching, learning, photographing, writing. Connecting. It suddenly all made sense, as i shuffled over to throw another log on the fire.

Thank you Grace, Sandra, Diane, Joan, Melissa, Tanya, Lisa, Carrie, Stacee, Alice, Tammy, Kerry, Meghan, Kelley, Jayne, Beth, Jennifer, Alison, Sarah, Heidi, Karen, Lily, Nicola and Donna for trusting me with a day of your Squam experience. Each of you truly rocked my world!

This is not okay

I discovered an e-course today that has used parts of my Unravelling course description in its own – some sentences have been changed to fit with the theme of the course, but other sections has been copied word-for-word. Full sentences of mine have been lifted. I have emailed the creator of the course and am hopeful we can get this resolved – I asked that this person rewrite their text to remove the Unravelling parts.

Here’s the thing: all this has made me really sad today because this isn’t the first time it has happened. I’ve seen my uncredited images all over the place and just let that go, but when it comes to the courses I feel I need to take action. Each time I have had to check in with myself to make sure I wasn’t being over-sensitive, but when whole chunks of my work are taken and used by another it really gets me down. I actually don’t think this particular instance was done with any bad intentions – just unthinking – but i am still disappointed.

I know what it’s like – you’re creating a course and you look to others’ work to help in the brainstorming of your own idea. When I was changing my real-life evening class into an online format I knew of only one other online class at that time; i didn’t take the class but I did check out the website and made sure that the words i used on my own site were markedly different. Because I wanted my course to be MINE, and not a watered-down version of someone else’s work. Authenticity and integrity are extremely important to me. I understand how easy it is to cut’n’paste a chunk of text from a website, change a few words et voila! A page of text is written. But it hasn’t come from your heart – it came from mine.

Finding our own voice and creative path takes time. It’s taken me YEARS; a lifetime, really. As I work on my book I’m making a point of not reading any books about creativity/memoir/inspiration because i don’t want the rhythm of my words to mimic someone else’s. I’m trying to keep my head as clear as possible to ensure my words have room to breathe and be themselves, keeping my ear tuned to my story and not another’s. At times this is frustrating as there are some new books I’m dying to read! But for now I’m sticking with poetry and business books (how’s that for a combination?)

Marisa and I are looking forward to finally starting work on our guide next week, and I really hope that the info we share will be useful to anyone who’s putting a course together. We have so much we want to talk about, and I know that authenticity and honouring our own voice will be one of the key topics we’ll tackle. I’m also pushing forward with the series of Blogging Beautifully workshops I mentioned a while back – photography and writing will be covered and I’m hoping this is another way I can give back to the blogosphere. Stringing words together isn’t always easy, so i’m going to share my best tips and ideas – I reckon they’ll be useful for writing e-course descriptions too :)

* UPDATE: I received an emailed apology and the text has been changed, so everything is okay now. Thanks for all your support, loves x

Life is letting go


It’s letting go of expectation.
Letting go of fear.
Letting go of doubt.
Letting go of the hurts.
Letting go of the disappointments.
Letting go of the needs.
Letting go of the stories.
Letting go of the untruths.
Letting go of that time you did that thing you shouldn’t have done.
Letting go of feeling foolish, knowing you were just young. Unformed. Learning. Trying.
Letting go of the need to be perfect. Correct. Proper.
Letting go of what’s expected of you, even if they’re your own expectations. Especially then.
Letting go of the voice in your head that tells you you are shit.
Letting go of the hatred of your skin. It’s just flesh. Just bones. Just your transportation on earth.
Letting go of the need to control what happens.
Letting go of feeling bad because you’re not letting go enough.

I’m starting to get it now. I really am.