Remembering what supports us

I felt really bruised this morning. A combination of bad dreams, snippets of memories that caught me off guard, the pressure of all I have to get done and just the general heaviness of grey January weather. It tooks me ages to get myself together. I had a to do list that wasn’t going to do itself but my mind was all over the place. Working at home is really great until you hit a day like this — unfocussed, over-emotional, racing heart, can’t settle, and no one is there to tell you to pull yourself together and just get on with it. No colleagues to moan to, no clients to put on a facade for. Just boring old me.

So I pulled on some going-outside clothes (as opposed to my usual working-from-home clothes which look remarkably like about-to-go-to-bed clothes), grabbed my notebooks and pens and forcibly shoved myself out into the world. It’s a ten-minute walk to my favourite cafe and I walked fast, the cold air trying to get inside my coat. There weren’t many people about and even the cafe was quiet. And that was perfect for me. I took over a table, spread out my tools and ordered a decaf mocha.

Somewhere between my first sip and leaving the cafe an hour later, I found my calm. With no internet (or laptop, for that matter) I was forced to do my brainstorming on paper. And as it always does, my energy shifted and brought some new clarity with it. You would have thought, after all these years of self-employment in one form or another, I would remember the tricks that get me back in the game. Going for a walk outside is the most obvious and basic, yet it’s the one I find so hard to do. “I don’t have time” falls from my lips as i stare into my monitor, hoping the words will arrange themselves. I don’t have kids to collect from school, or even a dog to walk, so I have no pressing reason to get up from my desk. Yet this one small activity — and a mocha in a cafe is hardly torture, is it? Sometimes i want to slap myself — made everything better. I let go of the bad dreams. The memories receded back into their hidely hole and grey sky didn’t look so bad once I was standing under it.

And the best thing? I managed to work through a block I’d had in the structure of my new course, and realised that it needs to be SIX weeks and not five. :)

Restart. Reset. Reboot. Works like a charm.

#MustRememberThis

The word

 

There’s definitely something to this choosing-a-word-for-your-year thing. For 2009 I choose visible, and put myself out onto the internet more than i’d ever done before. In 2010 I chose expand, and all areas of my life seemed to get bigger as I moved through the year. Last year’s word was compassion, and while I probably haven’t shown myself as much compassion as I could have, I still find myself on the last day of the year with a bigger heart and better appreciation of the souls that share my world.

My word for 2012 came to me about a month ago, as I surveyed everything I have to do in the new year and began to feel the pressure…

 

It’s time to find my BRAVE.

Teaching in person scares me. Going on a book tour scares me. Publishing a book that shares my heart scares the crap out of me. I will be doing all of these things in 2012, so it’s time to woman-up, grow some bigger ovaries and be BRAVE. To embrace these opportunities as exactly that — opportunities for growth, expansion and FUN. I’m also going to be getting on a lot of planes during the next 12 months — luckily I love flying — so this really will be my year of outward movement. After so much introspective writing and editing in 2011, I’m being asked to go back out into the world. And as I joked with some friends recently, I’m going to be leaving my comfort zone so many times in 2012 i may as well just move out of it permanently.

And there’s another area of my life that will require a dose of bravery next year. I have danced around the issue of finding love so many times on this blog. So many quiet declarations have been hinted at, that I was ready, that the time was right, that I wanted to find an uncle for Noah ;) And yet here I am, a few weeks away from the 7th anniversary of his death, still single. I mention the anniversary because I still reverently follow the timeline of renewal and rebirth that has been my life since everything changed in 2005, but I’m no longer held hostage to the memory of what we had. Instead, I have blossomed into a self-aware, emotionally-healed, independent woman who takes enormous pleasure in being able to look after herself ROOOOAAAARRRRRR! The creation of my business, and in turn being able to do work that means so freaking much to me, has been so unexpectedly healing on so many levels, and not just the obvious ones.

I don’t begrudge a single second of all this time on my own as it’s been the most amazing adventure. Now I’m ready to have some new adventures with a partner-in-crime.

Let the year of dating and book tours commence!

WHAT’S YOUR WORD FOR 2012?

A little something for you

I like Christmas well enough, but really it’s the new year that gets me excited. I love the idea of a clean slate, a do-over. A chance to try again, to make new goals and start new systems. I don’t make resolutions — instead, I like to look back over the past year to see what worked, and figure what I can build on in the next 12 months. I’m also a big fan of choosing a word for the year to give me a guiding light to follow when the way gets murky (and the way always gets murky). I’ll be sharing my word here next week — it’s one of my favourite posts to write.

So with all that in mind, I have a little something for you.

It’s a 16-page workbook to help you unravel your year ahead and say farewell to the year behind.

>>> Click HERE to download the workbook <<<

I created something similar last year, but this year’s is bigger and more thorough. I’ve been doing a lot of journalling recently and wanted to make something I could put it in my Creative Dream Journal* currently housed in an old Filofax, so I printed out the worksheets at A5 size (super easy – just set your printer to print 2 pages on an A4 sheet of paper and cut in half) and punched holes in the sides.

We’ve got 10 days left of this year and I’m ready to start unravelling my intentions for the next 12 months. You feelin’ it too? Click the link above to download the workbook, print it out and find your favourite pens. Then pour or make your favourite drink and get stuck in! Let’s do this!

* more on that soon

I will not be beaten down


I will not be beaten down by my hormones, by the sinister slippery way they convince me I’m not worthy.
I will not be beaten down by time, by the rush and the panic and never-enough.
I will not be beaten down by my own expectations, by thinking I should be something when I already am so much.
I will not be beaten down by others’ expectations, by how their judgments of my situation reveals more about theirs.
I will not be beaten down by my inner critic, for it is only fear that comes out of her mouth.
I will not be beaten down by that fear, by how I purposely trip myself up when things are going well.
I will not be beaten down by the shoulds, because that way disappointments lies.
I will not be beaten down by the past, because it no longer needs to define my future.
I will not be beaten down by myself, because when all is said and done, I am my greatest ally.

* This Polaroid is one of the three featured on the cover of my book :)