Every year is different because every year I am in a different place in my life, but there is no way I would ever forget. I'm in the waiting room right now, counting down the days till the anniversary of his death, while also counting down the days to the birth of my nephew. The plan is for me to be with my sister (and her fiance) when she's in labour, and i'm feeling the responsibility of that. I have a ton of work to do – all of it work i want to sink into and enjoy – but i am a mess of emotion. Birth and death, all packed into my small head. I haven't been sleeping well, unsurprisingly. My dreams are filled with babies in my arms, and his arms around me; it is impossible to hide from the memories when you're unconscious. He was kissing me last night and i woke in tears; i find it extraordinary that these memories still have this effect on me. I am in a really good place in my life – his memory is honoured and cherished, but i am looking forward to new possibilities this year, and am so so ready to embrace them. But still there is this sadness – sometimes i think it is merely the echoes of grief resounding around me; it gets twisted into a new shape, and you learn to live with the loss, to find new paths and joys, but the grief really does mark you forever, like a ring in a tree trunk, a raised scar on your heart. In years to come i will still have these memories, kept in a dusty shoebox in the back of my mind; i will pull them out occasionally and run my fingertips over the smiles and promises. For now i will try to string words together for work, thinking of birthing babies by day, and sleeping with the deceased at night. And the world keeps turning.
Inspiring Words Wednesday
'It may also be that a woman's creative process is misunderstood or disrespected by those around her. It is up to her to inform them that when she has "that look" in her eyes, it does not mean she is a vacant lot waiting to be filled. It means she is balancing a big cardhouse of ideas on a single fingertip, and she is carefully connecting all the cards using tiny crystalline bones and a little spit, and if she can just get it all to the table without it falling down or flying apart, she can bring an image from the unseen world into being.'
~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With the Wolves
Blokes with style
There’s something very appealing about a guy who can put a stylish outfit together and carry it off without looking like he tried too hard; trying too hard contravenes the law of masculinity and repels most females. Or something. I follow The Sartorialist in my RSS reader, and this morning noticed i’d saved a lot of his street shots of men — don’t they all look great? The last shot is my favourite.
[all photography by Scott Shulman, aka The Sartorialist]
The answers #3
Karen D asked: How did you learn to "listen" and "follow" your creative voice?
It was more a case of my creative voice shouting in my ear until I started paying attention. Ever since I was a little girl I have felt the urge to be creative. I was always painting and making stuff, and from the age of 11 I was writing a diary, something that become a compulsion in my teenage years. I haven’t always made a living from my creative pursuits but it’s all I’ve ever wanted – to do work that I love and for that to be connected to art, creativity and inspiration. I don’t know why it’s always been in me – it just always has :)
Mo asked: what would you most like to do that you haven't already done?
I would really like to get my driver’s license. I failed my first test in 1993-ish, and started learning again in late 2004 but then my life fell apart a few months later. So, this is going to be the year I pass. Dammit!
Meggy asked: Do you listen to any podcasts? If so, which ones do you listen to, or would recommend?
I'm really digging Molly’s Spilled Milk, Jamie’s Creative Living and this talk by Natalie Goldberg that Marianne recently introduced me to.
Kristin asked: what does music mean in your life?
I’d be lost without music. I listen to it every day. It makes me happy, sad, energised and relaxed; it holds so many memories, and helps me make new ones. I’m in awe of anyone who has musical talent, and I don’t mind that I don’t have any because there are so many artists I love who do. ITunes has revolutionised the way I listen to music; I was always making mixtapes as a teen, and used to put together CDs later on; now I make playlists. A LOT of playlists.
Robin asked: boots or heels?
Neither, really. I only wear Uggs boots, Converse and flip-flops. Anything else makes my skin blister. SO annoying.
Emma asked: If you had your own band what would you call it?
The Premenstrals
Ingrid (and Meg) asked: if your life were made into a move (or a play), which actress would play you?
British actress Natascha McElhone. Her husband died in 2008 and I sense she would understand a lot of the grief I have felt, which she could put into her performance. On a purely shallow level, I think she is gorgeous, and would love to have her looks, so this would be the next best thing.
Ab asked: What is your favorite tradition?
I guess this isn’t a traditional tradition, but my family and I always make sure we get together for each other’s birthdays.
Chasing the Moon asked: Favorite song to bust out and dance or be wild and silly to?
I have several:
Jade asked: Crunchy peanut butter or smooth?
I have both in my cupboard as you never know which will be right for the snack moment you find yourself in. I like to keep my options open.
More answers coming soon, but if you wanna ask more questions, I'm over here!