There are times when the ache overwhelms my ability
to read, to reason, to be still.
It runs from my womb into my heart, a central
Iine that will spark and snap like a cheap box of sparklers
if you cut me open.
There are times when I wonder if it’s this ache
that will carry me forward into the future,
a time filled with Sunday papers and country lanes
and cousins playing with tractors and string
in my sister’s garden.
That the ache exists for a reason,
not only to plague me in the quiet times, but to
keep my faith —
to help me believe.
There are times when I believe so hard,
my own private church of one, that believes,
oh how I believe,
that all is possible if I just
want it enough.
And then there are times like today, when it all
feels so far away and I swallow down
the ache with gulps of black coffee and let myself
fall into my work — my one safe place — while hoping
I have no dreams tonight.
[This poem first appeared on Bentlily.com – thank you, Samantha, for inviting me into your lovely space. Create your own poem over here!]
This = an amazing poem. I hear ya, sistah.
stunningly beautiful. the imagery you create with your words takes my breath away. hope your day is happy. xo
Lovely.
I stopped believing for myself.
It doesn’t stop the ache some days.
this is beautiful Sus. I know how your feel and I’m always in your church with you xo
Wow, Susannah. So raw and achy and beautiful. I wish you love. xo
PS: That photo of you is GORGEOUS.
Oh Susannah… this made me cry, its beautiful and I loved “my own private church of one”, I often feel like that.
beautiful and raw.
hope your day is grand.
This is SO beautiful and touching! Thanks for sharing
I guess this ache is sometimes there to develop in you this way to express beauty
It is also true that pillars should be better IN ourselves than outside. As light.
(and just falling dawn from dreams I will just tell you: do some yoga :) )
Love
XX00
oh, susannah. so beautiful, absolutely made me cry.
So beautiful and poignant and resonant – I hope your sleep and dreams are peaceful tonight.
Oh sweetie, you *know* how much I’m feeling that. Hugs. xo
beautiful and heartfelt. love this.
Your poem and its title reminded me of a part from the movie “Under the Tuscan Sun”. which I love and which marked the biggest leap I took in my life. It is a moment when Diane Lane is crying because “she bought a house for a life she doesn’t even have”and the Italian real estate agent that sold it to her tells her the story of the train tracks in the Alps. I will quote the text so that you know what I mean. He says to her “Signora, between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is an impossibly steep, very high part of the mountains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew some day, the train would come.”
It seems to me that you are working hard at building a life that will be able to contain your dreams and I believe that your dreams will become real because the Universe has a special way of rewarding those who dare to dream big and to work hard for achieving those dreams. Keep the faith.
Thank you for that, Marcela xx
So poignant and freeing…I’m sure this strikes a chord in a lot of women, Susannah….thank you for putting such beautiful words to feelings I know I find hard to articulate~
Such a beautiful poem, Susannah. I also love and believe everything Marcela had to say!
Dear Sus, you look so beautiful in your picture! Love the poem, hang in there, the life you want to have is right there, just arriving!
By the way, I love that on the side bar there’s now a section called “my books”… love the idea, love it’s plural!
I found your poem very moving. For some reason, it reminded me of a poem by a woman named Kris Bercov, published in a book called The Second Birth. I don’t know whether it will resonate, but here it is:
How to Make God Smile
It’s no joke
God really is
your fingers
your toes
your sorrow
making its way
from your aching
breaking
heart
all the way
to eternity
There is
nowhere else
to go
even if
you could
sprout wings
and fly
through the heavens
still
you would land
in this garden
of yourself
blooming
its own
special blooms
your name
on every seed
every petal
every dead leaf
crumbling
its way
into nothing
Be satisfied
Your longing
elsewhere
is a trap
set by thieves
bound
to steal the
richness of your
Being
Don’t waste
another second
of this outrageous
life
open wide
and swallow whole
worship
every morsel
of your
depraved
and delicious
Self
That’s
how
you
make
God
smile
Really lovely, heartfelt poem. Thank you for introducing me to bentlily and for sharing your creation!
Beautiful, beautiful poem from the heart of a beautiful, beautiful woman…love to you, dear one.
So beautiful and touching Susannah!
Marcela, that is wonderful, thank you so much. I’ve always wanted to see that movie and I’ll make sure I do soon.
Susannah – so beautiful. Much love to you darling.
mj.x
Excellent blog!! Good job!!
Salut from Barcelona
Francesc
Thanks for introducing us to Samantha on BFTH. I get her amazing poems in my inbox every day now! Crazy good!
incredible beautiful and full of soul