I’m having a moment of impatience with the blog world. I’ve been clicking around, reading a few posts, checking out what’s been going on in my virtual ‘hood, and i’m left with a racing heart and a horrible feeling of being less-than. I’ve blogged about the PR version before, how bloggers tend to share their bestest most shiniest selves on line and hide the stuff that will sully that projection — and I understand why they do it. It’s very tempting to turn our blogs into an on-going affirmation of what we want our lives to be like, hoping that if we share only the good stuff we can make it real. But it can leave the onlooker/reader feeling deflated.
I try and put a positive spin on the lessons life chucks at me, but even I get tired of reading the happy skippy posts that are rife in the blogosphere. It’s not even that I’m envying the bloggers who have the sun shining on them every day — i just find it exhausting to read and yearn for a bit of self-deprecation once in a while. I find it hard to swallow the my-life-is-so-awesome-i-am-so-grateful posts (and don’t even get me started on the all-you-need-is-love posts*) — they just don’t connect to my understanding of the world: that there is rough as well as smooth, that sometimes rain is just depressing and grey rather than an opportunity to don pretty wellies and splash in puddles before returning home for hot chocolate and laughter with cherished loved ones — i go home shivering with limp wet hair only to discover I left the bedroom window open and now my rug is soaked through.
I guess I like my blog reading to have a bit of grit in it. It makes life more interesting and real. More relatable. It makes me feel less alone.
I’m as guilty as anyone of avoiding this space when I’m feeling down — that’s when I have no energy to string words together and would rather be watching Buffy Season Six with a blanket over my knees. And I’m certainly not suggesting we only blog about our ingrowing toe nails and credit card debt; I just think it’s important to keep it real here, to share a realistic slice of what my experience of the world is like. Considering I spend most of my time alone at home working, I hope i manage to be somewhat entertaining (maybe I should throw in a few knock knock jokes?)
I’ve been thinking about blogging a lot recently, as you can probably tell. I’m chipping away at my Blogging from the Heart guidebook and it’s making me dig deep into my own motivations for blogging; the blogosphere has evolved a great deal in the five years I’ve been writing online and it amazes me that when I started there was no Twitter or Facebook and Etsy was only a few months old. The internet felt smaller, somehow, and more cosy — yet now there is so much opportunity for connection and growth. I feel quite proud to call myself a blogger — it’s a really important part of my life.
Who’d have thunk it, eh?
So how does the blogosphere make you feel, generally? I’d love to know what you think…
* might be time to detox my Google Reader again…
I do rather agree with you. there should be a balance of being grateful for the good things we have and encouraging and not being whiny. But sometimes it more encouraging to know that someone else is struggling with something similar as us. We don’t feel so alone.
I’ve had to stop readin certain blogs lately because I end up feeling discouraged afterward because of the way they put their ‘wonderful life.’
I love your reference to pretty wellies, splash puddles and the soaked bedroom rug. I thought it was just me who felt like this! I don’t share what’s really been going on behind the scenes in my life simply because it would be career suicide to do so. It has also been my perception however that many who inhabit blogworld only really want to hear about a happy clappy world.
I started writing online right about 12 years ago, back in the days of on-line journals, and ended up walking away for a long period because everyone I referred to had a nom de net, *I* had and still have noms de net, I couldn’t speak about much of the detail of my life because it involved terminal illness (therefore not mine to discuss), followed by the work hell that has haunted us for years. In the end the whole thing struck me as a silly sham. Why write if I couldn’t write about the real me? I still very much have that feeling and, coincidentally, am taking a spring sabbatical whilst trying to decide whether to continue with my blog. Being out of blogworld has been fun (which may be telling me something). On the other hand the up-side of continuing is the friendships I’ve made and that is overwhelmingly with people, like you, who write from the heart.
i am incapable of posting the good or the bad on my blog. my images usually demonstrate my mood, and that is all i have ever been capable of… i’ve been blogging for TWO YEARS!
So many thoughts here. First up let me say, I used to read your blog ages ago, but on one of my frequent reader detoxes, you got deleted and I forgot. I came to this post via Jen Altman, and I’ve just been trawling through your posts and remember why I liked you!
I’ve had this very thing getting my goat for ages since I met a perfect life blogger in the real world, and it turns out her very popular blog is a complete sham.
Having said that, I can’t stand whining, moany blogs either. It’s about balance, and truth above all else.
And Pow! your back in my reader!
yes! Balance and truth! You’ve nailed it there, Suzie (and i’m honoured to be back in your reader :)
“Life is beautiful. But true beauty is complicated and multi dimensional.” — thank you for that, hon x
agreed! but even more challenging to me are the over-emo blogs. i’m seriously awed at the sympathy seekers and the power they hold to pull in others to their world of wallow.
Yes! I haven’t started blogging yet, but I believe in the “one me” approach. We’ll see how that goes.
I can’t begin to tell you how much I relate to what you’ve just shared. I do very little blog-browsing because I find so much of it redundantly perky and I inevitably end up feeling utterly inadequate. And on the same hand, even though I find the constant image censoring of other bloggers off putting, I keep most of my own blogging to the “light stuff” as well. One of the things I MOST appreciate about you, your blog, and Unraveling is how you have a way, through honesty and compassion, of making me feel less alone. And really, that is why I’m so drawn to the web world: to connect with others and know that “it’s not just me.” thank you! xo
You said it well, Sylvia.
I really get you. I read your blog, but just don’t comment. This time I will. The blogs I read usually gets skipped over because I get tired hearing how happy they are, how well they sell their work, their perfect hubbies and kids. It just depresses me more to the point I just want to crawl into bed and stay there with the covers over my head. They make me wonder what is wrong with me. Like I have a boring life. Does no one else out there have problems? I really haven’t been writing much on my blog. I feel if I don’t have any happy news to share no wants to know what is going on with me. I don’t want people thinking I’m looking for sympathy and God forbide if any family members read what I wrote. I don’t want to have to deal with the drama afterwards.
Maybe I should consider writing about my real feelings. Thanks for the wake up call.
I’m a faithful follower of your blog. The good, the bad, the ugly – they all have their place in the story and it’s wonderful when they’re shared. I’m currently on a blogging break because I had wandered far too far away from my original intentions, and needed to figure out exactly which way I wanted to proceed. I’ve recently discovered several books that are helping me refine and define that (“when the student’s ready…”), so I hope to start again soon, and I’m definitely going to “keep it real”! I’ve found, though, that my readership drops when I post the not-so-happy stuff. Don’t care, though – the ones who stick around are the ones who count! Carry on, and keep it real, no matter what – we’ll be here cheering you on! (This is my first time commenting – my bad – sorry…)
Thanks for telling it like it is Suzannah. I’ve been reading your blog for a little while now and I just love your honesty.
Sometimes the all too perfect blogs can leave me feeling a little inadequate… It’s funny though – because we all know life isn’t always perfect yet sometimes we still buy into that ‘ideal’ online.
And as a mother of two toddlers I can absolutely vouch for the fact that an afternoon spent splashing in puddles or baking biscuits isn’t always filled with rosy smiles!
I’m never too shy to admit on my blog that I’ve lost my writing ‘mojo’ or the balance between writing and motherhood is a challenge.
hi Sue! thank you for leaving your first comment :) x
Sus, do you remember when I did Unravelling and we came to the conclusion that the online tribe of hobnobbing bloggers is an illusion? I believed in that sentiment then, not so much now. While it logically applies, experience has taught me that, yes, the online world can be as cliquey as the real one, if not more, in the sense that its perceived cliquey-ness is more acutely felt due to the lack of direct interaction with the individuals we think live in tribes while we belong to none.
Personally, I cannot stand happy skippy blogs, and I say this without an ounce of shame. This is not because of some misplaced envy, for I really don’t think I’ve got anything to envy of anyone, but because the Pollyanna effect has always annoyed me. It annoyed me when I was six and first watched the movie, and it still annoys me to this day, as I believe that we are more likely to lead a reasonably happy life if only we let ourselves be some time. And letting be in my case means, let’s have a good cry if I feel like or let’s get angry if I really want to and let’s curse at the open window, and windy rain sucks, PERIOD.
I find the ‘it’s raining and so I will splash in the puddles tra la la’ attitude unnatural, if not to these people who practise it, to me. Last year I wrote a piece about the way in which gratefulness has been hijacked by this brigade of New Age-esque thinking that suggests we should be grateful we had a window to leave open so that it rained in because it means we have a house to return to.
Are you kidding me? I’ll go, pick up the rug and put it in the dryer if it fits, probably cursing all the way. Then at night, snuggled in bed as I drift into sleep, I will most be happy and grateful to be at peace with myself but I will feel that way because I didn’t spend the day stifling my real emotions, on or offline. Hence, I rant on my blog as applies.
X
Oh My God I am so there with you! Those blog posts do make me feel bad about myself so I don’t often read other blogs. Thank you! I feel so much better for reading your blog post today
I am a fairly new follower to your blog. I must say this post forced me to pause and think about my own blogging experience. If you were to read my blog, I am quite sure you’d categorize me as one of those “happy-skippy” blogging moms. In fact, I’m a little embarrassed for you to even look at my blog after reading this. So this post did sting a bit, I must admit.
I really do struggle with “keep’in it real” on my blog for many reasons. One is I’m an adoptive mom and my son’s birthmother reads our blog, so I worry if I share anything negative about my experiences as a wife, mom, woman, etc.–she will think less of me and regret her decision. Also, my husband and I are hoping to adopt again and I use my blog to reach out to potential birthmoms who are considering adoption. I’m afraid if I share too many of my icky, inadequate, negative feelings (that we all feel at times), I might scare away a birthmom.
I hear frequently from my husband after he reads one of my posts, “You have to be careful Jennifer to not put too much information out there”…he sees first hand in his line of work as an attorney, how the simplest of things you put in writing can quite possibly be used against you.
Argh…so those are just a few reasons why I struggle with this “keep’in it real” concept in my blogging and am often left questioning how to maintain a healthy balance with it.
THANK YOU for being so honest in this post. You have motivated and encouraged me to look through a more transparent and raw lens when I craft my blog posts.
ohh Jennifer! I’m so sorry if it stung a bit — please know that wasn’t my intention! I can absolutely understand why you’d want to blog in a certain way, hon – makes total sense to me. i truly believe we can keep it real while maintaining a healthy balance — some privacy while also sharing our heart. thank you for sharing your thoughts here x
I loved this post. I love the question because I think about this a lot. I have a very select blogroll because on the whole I find a lot of blogs to be very….copycat-ish. I think that in blogland (as with everything else) there is a LOT of imitation. People have a favorite blogger (or two or three) and instead of admiring and then going off to find their own strong voice and story….there is a tendency to try to sound LIKE or be LIKE or photograph LIKE….
That sounds mean. I don’t want to be mean. It’s just that I want to read about YOU the writer and whatever it is that is in your heart and life. I don’t need to read 15 Soulemama copycat blogs.
I think we are coming from different places but it’s the same frustration.
Honesty is – for me – always compelling. Which is true in life too I think: the person who is true to themselves and stands strong in their own self is always magnetic. True is what keeps me reading.
Hi Susannah,
This is the way I look at it- forgive me for finding the positive- the light. If bloggers want to blog that is their prerogative and if they are extremely happy doing it then by all means give us your happy thoughts- maybe for them, they need to do it that way and it’s up to each of us whether or not we read it. Some people need that, others not so much. Self deprecation- while real- isn’t always that fun to read. Maybe that is the wrong word? I guess I like to hear it in songs instead. There are many reasons why I started blogging, but the most important reason is – for myself, me, myself and I. I am not trying to be a popular blogger, I am satisfied if my 12 followers are the only ones reading it or if is just myself (which I tend to do). If you like reading your own blog, I suppose its worthy for others to read it. Bottom line is that I know a lot of people won’t get what I write or why I write as I write, and that should be the same for the blogs you visit. I could care less what others write, there are probably 2 or 3 blogs I read and the rest I tire of, but I wouldn’t ask them to change anything for me, as I would expect the same from them. When you are out there it is kind of like we all own some piece of land and like in life, we don’t always decide to become best friends with our neighbors. But we should try to acknowledge and accept, no? But I do like grit. Yes. and honesty is the best policy- but I would be a little careful as its not just your BFF’s ear you are whispering to.
There is so much out there… so much, it’s really easy to pick and choose or do nothing at all.
wouldn’t it be great if someone started one of those weekly blog post things where they posted a picture of the messiest room in the house? I would love that. Now that would be real (and reassuring).
hi jennifer, just wanted to say that i gave a look at your blog and i like the happy, the bright! makes me smile and i love your reasons for it all. don’t get away from that, please! just my two cents, if i may.
I agree with you Susannah, I too grow a bit tired of all the shiny happy bloggers out there but I can relate to them as well. In my head I made a decision to keep only “light” stuff on my blog, because I didn’t want to sound ungrateful or moody. Then my fiance went on our blog (we share one, but I do most of the writing these days) and he mentioned that I didn’t sound like myself and I should be more real and relatable. It was an interesting moment for me, because I didn’t realize that I was coming off that way. Now I am trying to find a healthy balance, but it is a challenge for me. I almost want to keep a blog under a pen name where I can freely be myself without judgement, I guess that is what it comes down to isn’t it – We all want to be liked and sometimes we think we need to be our best selves in order to get that love.
Love that you stirred things up! xx
I’ve always preferred “real” blogs over those that are polished and overly pretty. The trend seems to be getting prettier as more and more bloggers are monetizing their blogs. I’ve always just written about what was on my mind, which is sometimes happy and grateful and sometimes really whiney. I stopped blogging for about 18 months while I was getting divorced and healing and finding my feet again but that was more about needing privacy and internal time than not wanting to admit that it was hard. I have recently started writing on my blog again after giving birth. Living with a newborn is a pretty gritty place and I’m really trying to be honest about that. But I’m finding I’m a lot more self-conscious about being honest than I used to be. I guess imafraid of being thought of as a bad mom, although the reality and universality of the struggle is exactly why I want to write about it. It is a hard line to walk!
“We all want to be liked and sometimes we think we need to be our best selves in order to get that love.” – that’s a very wise observation right there :) and you could change ‘liked’ for ‘accepted’ and it’s still true
having just watched my sister spend her first year with my nephew, i have got new insight into the grittiness (as well as awesomeness) of life with a baby! i know that if i was in her shoes i’d find enormous comfort in reading a blog that talked about the reality of life as a mama — keep navigating that line, love! :)
Oh yes Nicola.. just more ways to make us feel horrible about ourselves.. reminders that we aren’t doing enough!! xxoo
love to you and Susannah, love this post!
Karen
Susannah,
I’m so glad you wrote this post. The blogosphere makes me feel the same way much of the time – and you’ve described the problem so well. I used to follow many of the big bloggers, and then I just got really tired with it, and had a major Google-Reader-detox.
I do like a bit of grit in my blog reading – a chunk of reality, and tonnes of honesty and authenticity. I suspect there is a slight taste or cultural difference going on here though. My US bloggy-friends say that it’s not really considered OK to admit that you’re having a hard time or say negative things about life over there. Something about the fear of Big Pharma!
Anyway, I love your blog because you do keep it real, and I know you always will.
I tried splitting up my business and me into two blogs and it ended up making me feel fractured. Rather than having a blog with a distinct focus, I’ve decided to simply blog when I want to about what I want to in the moment. I may lose readers, but I feel happy about blogging now.
I guess it turns out we have been feeling almost the exact same things lately. It’s those Aquarian minds thinking, analyzing and challenging the status quo… I love you and your blog for exactly this reason. I know it’s real xo
Although. I did kind of gush on about love in my video about success :) – but at the end of the day that’s where it’s at even if there are days when I can’t see it or find it.
This post of yours was exactly what I needed to read. I have taken a whole season off from my own blog because I felt like I am supposed to keep everything so uppity-up and PollyAnna and everything in my life felt like it was anything but uppity-up and PollyAnna. I just couldn’t find a good place to be that was necessary for posting posts and so I resolved to just take a break for a bit and relax and read other’s blogs.
The truth of the matter is, life is not always sunshine and butterflies and lollipops of our favorite flavor. Thank you for reminding me, Susannah, that just because I have been served a s*** sandwich, I am still okay…..because I AM. Eventually, the sun will shine again.
I tend to be more of a realist (not a pessimist!) and it is so refreshing to know that I am not alone.
Great posts, thanks! Susannah you write about this topic in a fun and interesting way I think. My own post about authenticity a few days back is not as elegantly put but rather a series of questions for people to consider. :-)
Love. We should know each other. You said it all.
I love this post and all of the comments. When I started blogging, one of the most important things to me was to be authentic. I agree, life isn’t always sunshine and roses, and those bloggers that make it seem like that are doing the rest of us a disservice. I am an eternal optimist, but life is hitting me hard right now. I know that I’m going to spin out of it okay, and I want to remember the progression of things on my blog. Unfortunately, this is the kind of thing, it seems, that turns people away. My aunt even stopped reading my blog, because she said it was too sad! Really?! I think readers ARE looking for the sunshine and roses…
My first time to your blog! This was a great read. I am not a blogger, but read many blogs and of course have had to edit some out of my reading for different reasons. If there is an unrealistic amount of “sunshine”, I am not attracted to the blog. However, I feel that bloggers walk a fine balance. Different blogs serve different purposes, and if everyone was trying to do the same thing with their blog, it would be a boring experience! My only gripe: blogs that contain very little personal content, but are instead used to showcase possessions. I do not care for blogs that seem to exist merely to show off one’s Louis Vuitton collection, etc…. Makes me gag. Other than that, I am a sucker for the good, the bad, and beautiful pictures! :)
Amy
Such a wonderful post! I have, and will always be attracted to bloggers and posts that aren’t afraid to share the good, the bad, and the ugly with me. If I want to just look at pretty pictures I can do that many other ways besides reading blogs. I try to put the “pretty” out there in most of my posts too, but sometimes you just have to get real and let the chips fall where they may. I’ve lost followers with some of my posts, but those who have been touched and send me an email or leave a heartfelt comment are the kind of people I want in my life. Those are the friends you know will be there no matter what! Thanks for this great post!
Kat :)
the lows are the momentum for the highs. life without them wouldn’t be a great ride, a thrilling roller coaster or slide, it would be a “sit”. where’s the fun in that really? Tell the truth. It’s always the beginning of free flight…always.
Susannah, you are hysterically funny-no knock-knock jokes required. Thank you for hitting the nail on the head and making me laugh out loud so that my dogs just stared at me, seeming to wonder, ‘what’s her problem now?’
Yes and but…I like all different kinds of blogs but I prefer the homespun ones over the ones featured in blogging art mags and what have you, those others are beautifully laid out but they seem like advertising to me. It would be lovely once in awhile to see blogs where everyone has these amazing children and doing amazing art and having amazing lives just admit that sometimes everything isn’t perfect – because that view does make the reader feel less than. On the other hand, I am one of those bloggers who blogs for self-satisfaction – I had wanted to blog for a long time and just getting it out there was an act of bravery – and now, continuing it when I have a very small (VERY) small audience – well, that feels like an act of bravery too. I think there is ample room for all sorts of blogs, but the ones that make me feel connected to others in the world when I cannot sleep at two am – those are my favorite blog voices.
I am new to blogs, both reading them and writing one, but am ALWAYS drawn to truth, in any form. I find I won’t read writing that is colored in a Pollyannish, inauthentic style but I prefer reading someone who writes what is real. The true moments of ones life, showing me the essence of who they are, is what attracts me and I applaud anyone courageous enough to share themselves in this way.
I don’t always put my shiniest face on my blog. And I think that’s why I don’t have a lot of readers…people want to hear the big bright circus of someone’s life, not that they’re struggling with things they really can’t talk about on the internet for fear that someone involved will read it and take it the wrong way.
I like to hear that people have the same problems that I do though….and just cleaned out my Google Reader of boring people….and added your blog :)
Hi Susannah
I love the honesty in your writing, and I guess that’s what you’re getting at here. I agree, when you bypass the ego and don’t censor yourself, that’s when the writing rocks. That’s when it gets to be gritty, edgy, interesting. And that’s what people relate to. Warts and all.
I’m fairly new at this game…and still finding my ‘voice’ in the blogosphere. I’ve got nothing to sell and even if I did, I’d be terrible at it.
I just wanted to say thanks for the continuous inspiration. When you live on the other side of the planet (my friends and my mum are in Australia and I’m in France), the Internet can be a life-saver. And sometimes I feel a lot closer to people I’ve read but never met then to some ‘friends’ I know.
Tanja (www.bellyheartsoul.com)
ps. I edited this email at least 5 times. Hopeless!
It’s in the broken places we grow, and really learn to live with intention. Thank you for your site, I just found you. A breath of fresh air…thank you.
Bless your day,
Deb
I feel like this problem, and yes it is a problem, it manifest itself in different ways. Writing about how wonderful your life is, if it isn’t, isn’t as much of a crime as putting random pictures up to possibly appear as something else. Ie. putting up a picture of a young woman’s face when in reality you are 68 years old. Something that was always very much frowned upon in the ye olde days of the internet is now a common practice among bloggers. It bothers me when I meet someone and they project themselves as being close to my age and then almost drop a bomb that they are a retiree with all of this time on their hands to blog, and I came to them for advice on how to fit blogging into my busy schedule.
Love this! I actually had to take a time out from reading (most of) them because I was urping on the sunshine coming out of everyones…you know…I have several friends who I love who have fantastic creative lives , but really the blogs I enjoy are where people can expose thier depravity and flaws… I have a well kept shop and home a couple days a month… te rest of the time I am doing the same ol. I actually find myself pulling back from the sacharrin types, just can’t swallow it all. I love your perspective! There is a particular blogger who is flat out a scorched earth leaver in real life …but I love her blog because she can poke fun at the holes in herself and her hubby and life with such skill I always chuckle and feel like some people are still real…even if they are meanies. thanks for your keen insight and well crafted words. I enjoyed immensely!
This subject is interesting to me. I used to be far more transparent in my blogging and write about the gray areas much more than I do now. I have to wonder how you deal with trolls? I had one troll comment a year or so ago that was so vicious, that attacked me for every tender part of myself that I had revealed, that I have been scared to open myself up like that again. Now I mainly stick to writing humor blogs. It feels much safer.
I think that it’s just so hard to really be honest online. I mean – I know about all my faults and I usually even exaggerate them. It sometimes is as if my self-image was a fun house mirror, showing me only mistakes. Maybe my blog might be another mirror, showing me a teeny-weeny bit more positive than I really am. Then both mirrors can meet somewhere in the middle? Whaddya think?
And I also think that it might be enough if I spend so much time looking at all my mistakes. I’m so sick of them – why show other people?
*sigh*
I think you’re doing exactly the right thing.
hello susannah,
a friend passed this specific post to me because i had confided that i have been feeling low or “less than” because all it ever seems like is that FB is about everyone else’s lives being ah-maaazing and, whilst i realize this isn’t reflective of reality, it all just kind-of left me feeling blah about what i’m doing in my life. so THANK YOU for your honesty and for writing about this. it’s a good reminder that people tend to massage the message in their public spaces and it’s not a barometer to hold against one’s own measures of success (i might have mixed my metaphors there but, hey, i’m not perfect).
best, the retail bitch
I was required to offer a documentary style blog for a art class. From week to week I would post my work and follow my classmates to see what new research or things they were doing. I got hooked more into reading others entries and have a blog -list called the daily read. You have been on mine for a few years. I deleted my blog the moment I saw someone use & copy not only my hardwork for my school program, but it stung that someone was using my voice and life saying it was theirs. How I see blogs as someone boring unless I like the intention of the person. I do use recipes, get inspired but can’t the streams of ads and marketing. I wonder are some people fulltime bloggers do they make an income from the ads.. It is just do much for me.. I find I don’t read on-line anymore or shop or look at things. I work, check my mail and check out.. It all bores me thank you for your evaluation and your not alone this space hasn’t been cozy for me for about 6 years.
Yes!! Thank you!! This is EXACTLY what I’ve been thinking! A reader left a link on my latest post to this post of yours, as in my latest post I wondered if anyone could get any encouragement out of reading about my mess and my failures. But I feel that YES the mess should be included in our blogs, if we are comfortable with sharing it, because that is what real life is — the beautiful and the boring and the plain old bad mixed in together.
Okay, now I’m off to read the rest of your blog. :)
The wonderful thing about the internet and the blogging world now is that there is just so much to read! Should we need a little inspiration, we have hundreds nay thousands of positive speaking blogs out there. But, over time, it can feel a little same same and to be honest, just regurgitated information.
Believe me, I hear you. I’m a yoga teacher and a blogger. My peers all want to talk about the miracle of me/you and – often – without any acknowledgement that life is shit sometimes too. It just is! I wrote a little post about it here http://loveyourselfnaturally.wordpress.com/2011/10/25/a-bundle-of-miracles/#more-772
This is a great site. I love your writing. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on life online.
Regards